This Tool Transformed Our Relationship


I was recently asked, “What is the secret to a great relationship?” My immediate answer, “Communication!” This may not be the only secret to a good relationship but it is arguably the most important.communication
This is especially true in a marriage relationship. My wife, Tammy, and I went through what we call our “marriage conversion” a few years ago and we learned this one communication tool that has transformed our marriage! Maybe this tool can be helpful in your marriage as well.


This is an invaluable tool my wife and I learned at a marriage retreat a few years ago. This is how it works:

  1. Question – Agree on a question to answer. I will give a list of questions at the bottom of this blog to help you get started. Both of you answer the same question.
  1. Write – Both of you will separately take 10 minutes (timed with a timer) to write a love letter to your spouse answering the question that both of you agreed upon ahead of time. Write the letter specifically to your spouse. Open with Dear _____, and close it with a typical love letter closing. Hence, it is a love letter and not an opportunity to
    “let your spouse have it”. Be honest and also be loving in your letter.
  1. Together – The two of you will agree on a time to come together to share and discuss each other’s letters.
  1. Read – Set the timer for 10 minutes and then exchange letters. Read through the letter twice. Once with your mind and once with your heart.
  1. Discuss – When you are both finished reading each other’s letter, take the remainder of the 10 minutes to discuss the contents with each other. Again, this is a time to be both honest and loving.
  1. Next question – Go ahead and agree on the next day’s question before you finish. My wife and I usually have a list of several questions so we just go straight down the list with a new question each day.

Hope through relationshipsWe have done this little exercise six days a week for the past two and a half years (we take one day a week as a break). It has transformed our communication which has, in turn, transformed our marriage. I believe it can have a similar effect in your marriage.

Here are ten questions to help you get started over the next eleven days (remember, you may want to take a break one day per week). If you would like some additional questions please email me:

  1. What was your first impression when you met your mate for the first time?
  2. What is your definition of a good marriage?
  3. When is your relationship the happiest?
  4. What quality do you like best in your mate?
  5. What is your idea of a great vacation?
  6. What are your goals in your marriage?
  7. Express appreciation to your mate for something that he/she did recently?
  8. What do you enjoy doing as a couple?
  9. What one thing do I want to change about myself that I think would please you?
  10. What do I love most about you today?

Resources for Questions
The Ungame: Couples Version
101 Conversation Starters for Couples. Gary Chapman & Ramon Presson
You can also Google: questions for couples

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_MG_6842cropTommy Lanham is a dynamic, award-winning speaker who has been training individuals and organizations to reach their God-given potential for 25 years. With a unique blend of Ziglar motivation and ragamuffin faith, Tommy delivers powerful, life changing messages filled with humor, hope, and enthusiasm.

Tommy will empower, entertain and energize audiences to achieve extraordinary results and live a life beyond what they ever dreamed possible.

Tommy is dedicated to helping you make your next event the best you’ll ever experience. Your audience will laugh, learn and be inspired as he mixes enthusiasm and humor with motivational stories to deliver a high content message.

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Follow Your God-Given Dreams

Helen Keller was once asked if there was anything she could think of that was worse than being blind.helen keller.png
John Maxwell defines vision as “a picture of the future that stirs up passion within you.” Do you have vision? Do you have a picture of your future that stirs up a passion within you? The best way to predict the future is to create it.

futureWhat do you believe God’s dream or vision for you may be? Through prayer, reflection, feedback from those who know you best, Bible reading, you can discover your passion. God created you for a reason, for a purpose, for a dream. God has a dream he wants to accomplish through you.

Are you up for the challenge? It will not be easy. It will not always be smooth, but it is where you will live your life to the fullest extent. If you want to climb to your God-given potential, you must discover what God’s dream is for you and then pursue it.

Bruce Wilkinson says, “If you do not follow your God-given dream something significantly important will not happen.”

Several years ago the Statler Brothers had a song called “The Class of ‘57” Some of the lyrics went like this:

class 1957Tommy’s selling used cars, Nancy’s fixing hair
Harvey runs a grocery store and Margaret doesn’t care
Jerry drives a truck for Sears and Charlotte’s on the make
And Paul sells life insurance and part-time real estate.

And the class of ’57 had its dreams
Oh, we all thought we’d change the world with our great works and deeds
Or maybe we just thought the world would change to fit our needs
The class of ’57 had its dreams.

Betty runs a trailer park, Jan sells Tupperware
Randy’s in an insane ward and Mary’s on welfare
Charlie took a job with Ford and Joe took Freddie’s wife
Charlotte took a millionaire and Freddie took his life.

And the class of ’57 had its dreams
But living life day to day is never like it seems
Things get complicated when you get past eighteen
But the class of ’57 had its dreams
Oh, the class of ’57 had its dreams.


dreams lostMost of the time we do not need to discover our dreams. We typically know what they are, we have just buried them somewhere inside our mind and soul where we do not see them anymore.

Pull them out! Re-discover why God put you on this planet. Do not let the realities of life steal your God-given dreams.

What are some of your God-given dreams?

_MG_6355Do you need help figuring out your God-given passion and how to follow it?  Register here to schedule a free 50-60 minute discovery call at your convenience.

Tommy Lanham is a coach, leadership training expert, instructor, motivator, and a believer in Jesus. He is an experienced, trusted and highly enthusiastic speaker who communicates life changing truths in an entertaining way. He connects with his audience inspiring them to take action.

He speaks to various organizations, providing the tools to help you follow your God-given dream to reach your God-designed potential.  

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